Master's In Ass

Went to Vermont this week to participate in my weeklong 'capstone seminar' so I could graduate. I'm glad I didn't have to worry about taking a week off work or wrestle with visas like some of my classmates. Perhaps the two flat tires on the drive from Chicago and a death in the family should have tipped me off that things would be amiss....

My thesis was about U.S. adherents to the Sixth Declaration of the Selva Lancandona. I've never written a thesis before and although for some reason I paid tuition this year as I did my internship and wrote the paper I got no feedback from my professor. In fact every time we talked he'd talk about himself and would sometimes reference his sex addiction that he cured by finding Jesus or tell me about the pure love he had for me. I kid you not. During the school year last year we had the same kinds of conversations and I think I was so hungry for a mentor (after a lot of years of crappy education and never really having any kind of relationship with a teacher before) that I would put up with these weird conversations because he also told me how smart, original, etc. I was. In any case, I get to campus and meet with other students he had been advising. They all talked about how many times they'd had to do rewrites and how much feedback they'd gotten and how they were pissed but had these well constructed papers that they felt could get them into phD programs or presentations and stuff with. And although that kind of continued institution hopping doesn't appeal to me I did wonder why he focused so much on their work and never did anything with mine....

So I confronted him and he told me that he actually hadn't read my paper. My advisor. This paper I needed in order to graduate. The BIG thing you are supposed to do to get a Master's Degree that means something but I forgot what/why and to who exactly.... and that he held me to a "different" standard. And so I cried and he mumbles something that has the word "love" in it... and I was/am so angry that this was happening to me. That after all of my years of lousy public education and finally getting over my issues with higher ed and thinking I was being taken seriously for my critique and that I was book smart too (I so never want it to matter but am part of that which I struggle against...) here I was back in the same spot of education letting me down and not only am I sitting here wondering why I'm not good enough to have my thesis read but I'm left wondering is there some wacked out sexual harassment thing going on too? Putting together all of the pieces and conversations and the twisted manipulated way I felt....

And then I attended my classmates' presentation and realized that this school is just like any other institution, cranking out all of these supporters of 'development' with the same old dominant status quo critique of the world ("let's help the poor people in the third world") and I just felt sick. Learning about amazing anti-globalization groups like Al Hemleh in Palestine and then having to hear that their anti-aparthied wall campaign would be more successful if they'd just collaborate more with NGO's and other development organizations, hearing the joys of the Peace Corps, watching people apologize for having any kind of political critique that isn't status quo for fear that they will offend someone.... ARGH!!!! Although I do have to give props to the woman who explored Hawaiian Sovereignty and arts based dialogue between Indigenous and European Australians... which included this interesting language/performance communication worth checking out

In any case I didn't go to my graduation in the end and I think there are lots of people who think I'm overreacting or being foolish- but I'm just so disappointed. Once again I'm left feeling like the "other"... the crazy anti-capitalist who is fighting for something that will never come about. The crazy woman who isn't good enough to be taken seriously as an intellectual (a blessing in disguise?). I'm so tired of being screwed by institutional education. At least if nothing else my commitment to other kinds of education are being reinforced by this experience.... and now I have to pay back the federal govt. for all the damn money I borrowed... a sucker am I.

A Master Sucker at that. Big sigh... and a stupid piece of paper.. and still no job.

But at least they gave us a pizza party. Ain't nothin' like a $30,000 piece of pizza. Master Sucker indeed!