Contradictions

Just came back from Cuba and don't even know where to begin. I'll leave out the little bits and pieces, paranoia still, the US says I wasn't supposed to go there after all... But I can leave some links and some impressions for the place I had so many unconcious preconceived notions of... and now am more scrambled eggs than ever. I still don't think I'm ready to analyze thoroughly so here are some basics:

It was soooo hot. It was much more informal than other Latin American places I've been, I forget that the islands have their own scene...a lot like Brasil in terms of little clothing, the body confidence and the huuuuge array of skin color. No advertisements. The billboards and murals were of Che, the Cuban Five, anti-Bush slogans. Stores had no flashy signs or pictures, most of the time I didn't even know they were stores... the trappings of consumer culture just erased.

Two different currencies. National moneda and convertibles (CUC's). The CUC's could be transferred from Euros, USD and Canadian$, etc. Tourists were supposed to use CUC's. Many things were either sold in one currency or the other. For example local beer stands, ham and cheese stands, little pizzas, ice cream, local transport all for nationals. National icecream cone= .20cents, in CUC $1.50. When wondering what currency I should use someone said to me "Did you fight for the revolution?"

The basic humanity of poltics there was evident. Everyone has the right to free health care (I had a leg infection, got care and antibiotics for free, nearly cried I was so simultaneously thankful but angry that I would have been screwed for it back at home), good education (everyone we talked to could hold forth on politics with hard core understanding), enough food to get by (mango season, incredible: but green veggies hard to come by) and transportation. Folks lined up on the side of the road for rides. State cars must give rides to whoever needs them and hitchiking is regular.. women hitching in the city alone is usual. I start to imagine a place where people so commonly give rides to strangers is a place where people talk to eachother, know eachother, care for eachother. Not so individualistic when you have to depend on oneanother. Must interact...

And again, how to evaluate the kind of proud nationalism I sensed through my skewed lens? The Leader Heroes? I have such a hard time with that, I see idolotry where others see inspiration. The state is still the state.

Amazing organizations of folks... Committees for the Defense of the Revolution- the most hardcore neighborhood groups you can think of. If it goes the way it says, they run the country. Thousands of small block groups who work collectively to make the 'hood and its residents run well. They tell the state what to to, hot damn! People power for real it would seem. Although I see everything through my US lens, as hard as I try to be flexible it gets me nervous when folks start saying that they tally everyone's participation. It seems positive; they record each member of the community and if they've voted, gone to school, etc. and go visit them to help them if they need it... but being recorded? checked on? Through my individualistic lens it feels scary... encroaching... I am confused about how much I rely on being an individual, rely on my anonomity, and if I'm being honest enjoy it. But is that the way I really want to live if I want to see a better world? Aren't I always struggling against being so individualistic??? Also I start to realize how much I enjoy my choices. So much food, so much entertainment, social life and become exhausted questioning at whose expense my pleasure, my choices: it shames me again. Inner contradictions to mirror the revolutionary contradictions I saw.

The blockade is making life so difficult, but in my naivte I wonder what other contradictions happen if the blockade is lifted. Won't capitalism just be so much more free flowing? Coke already coming through Mexico, mayonaise...

Other images: beautiful kids diving off the malecon, dancing to salsa (the biggest compliment ever: "you dance like a cubana!") outside at the all night carnival in Cienfuegos, swimming, the smoothest rum I've ever tasted, sweating in places I didn't know I had... and eternal, infernal group dynamics. Traveling with a group whom only some I knew well. Trying to navigate understanding this new place with new people was so difficult. More on that another time, but it touches on community- is it who you choose or who you end up with? Building with people you don't get along with is the biggest challenge.

I'm still figuring it out.