Praxis, Schmaxis

I have had an amazing couple of days. I don't quite know where to begin... I went down to San Cristobal to visit the study program and get to know my way around for a delegation I'm bringing down in December. Being in Mexico now feels comfortable. There is a lot of physical memory of Costa Rica too, and how to behave and how to speak, to throw the toilet paper in the trash can, to greet strangers on the street, to think about Hector, to feel old because I'm not married with babies yet, to feel very strange looking in a comfortable way...

I spent a lot of time with my boss and the long and short of it was that he questioned my political commitment. Woah. I don't know that it's ever happened that I had a job, or a friendship or anything really when someone said to me that they had questions about my dedication to 'the struggle'. Shit, it's a good question. What is my dedication? How much to I have to know in order to find myself dedicated? I feel like I'm just beginning to come into my own political formation in some ways- like I know what I believe but I'm still not 100% secure in knowing why I believe what I believe. I lack theory, that's for sure. And I think I will always be questioning my commitment and how I'm demonstrating/living my beliefs. It's been a pretty profound question to reflect on these past couple of days. I definately got a sense of perspective I have been needing. I've been bogged down with work stress and got a chance to talk about some of it and realize that there are bigger, more important things going on out there than the crap I have to deal with in the office.

How to put the trip in a nutshell? I feel like in just five days I did a months worth. There was that crazy altitude, headache mixed with the weird short breathed energy to stay up really late and get up early, pretty colonial city, all of the zapatista discussion was really clandestino and protective, that was interesting. Paranoia or the need to be safe and not jeopordize others? A mix, perhaps. The students were all really smart, they talked the theory really well. It was intimidating to hear them discuss Lenin. I'm ashamed to admit I didn't know what the fuck they were talking about. I also felt stupid talking about a summary of Marx- imagine if it was the real thing. Flashbacks to a poor education or something. Putting any more grad school on the backburner for sure, if I couldn't keep up with the undergrad juniors. That made me feel kind of inadequate- actually I feel that way a lot for this job. It's so hard putting yourself in an all new situation (careerwise)- I was so stressed teaching but I really felt like I was good at what I did, that I knew my stuff, but now I'm all shook up. I have a really hard time arguing/explaining myself politically, especially in terms of debate or argument. Living politically that way is really stressful. Thank god I speak Spanish and am actually really enjoying speaking Spanglish as well- it's a fun skill to have to be able to fluidly go back and forth.

But the community- wow! It made a huge impression on me to be with folks really living their life- the ski-masks were startling, and the intentionality of the lifestyle was amazing. I also had my first serious experience with Popular Education- I got to take some of the Spanish classes and the seamless way we ended up learning about Zapatista ideology alongside lessons in the way they look at capitalism and leadership, etc. etc. in the context of a 'por' y 'para' lesson or by examining a weaving.. it was really amazing. I've never had such a good class before, all given by 'language promoters' not traditionally trained teachers. It is the real deal. It was so interesting to be reminded that an indigenous Zapatista cosmovision is so different than my own. I was very self consicous about being the American that asked too many questions, luckily the promoters were so open and willing to discuss and point out differences in a gentle way. Different definitions of wanting to do things, different definitions of what it meant to represent community, to participate in community- different kinds of choices. It was inspiring and made me feel more lost than ever at the same time.

My brain is full. Luckily there was some good fluff involved too. Gotta have some balance! I got to socialize a bit, go dancing, eat some great Mexican veggie food, and see a free concert of Colombian Vallenato, Los Reyes de Vallenato- which I like a lot. In fact on the plane ride home I got to sit next to the lead singer of that same group and wished
feverently that he didn't have a wife. I would have loved to be a cute ass Colombian singer's girl. He sang to me on the plane. I hate how easily I blush. Sigh. Also had an interesting conversation on my other plane ride with a guy who was brining something like 200 Mexican men over to the East Coast to work in warehouses. I didn't get it. They come every year for five months, they get their visas paid for, all legal and they work for only 40 hours a week, supposedly get paid well and then go home. I asked him why they don't just hire US folks and he said that Mexicans worked harder.... trying to read between those lines. I can't believe they pay them fairly- is it that they don't unionize? Don't ask for insurance? There must be something more to it...

In any case, I'm home and in some ways wish I could shake these political/analytical thoughts that are always on me, I feel like I need some sense of perspective, but at the same time am trying to get used to the fact that this is my perspective... I need a little escape, a crappy movie or a fiction book and then I have to deconstruct my privilege, sigh. At least I still have a sense of humor. Yow.